Back In Black - Day 139 (Monday) & Something About Knowing When To Cut Bait...

I'm on the 25th post and 139th day (that's almost 5 months! :/) of (what was supposed to be) this 30 post series, and I think it's a very real possibility, due to all the detours I've taken - holidays, house hunting and all that entails, other more interesting life - that this post probably finds me roughly the same size I was on post #1.

Bibim Bahp

And if this process has taught me anything, it is that I am a very different woman today than I was when I had the 2 older kids in my late 20s. Back then, I would probably have met or exceeded this goal and 10 others in 60 days (or less).

Vietnamese "BBQ" Pork

When I look back at how much more driven I was back then, in all aspects of life, I can see what was driving me: a quest for fulfillment, contentment, satisfaction, and ultimately justification for the big, life altering, and ultimately wrong life decisions I'd made. I achieved lots of things and kept hoping, almost subconsciously, that one of those things would make me feel like I had finally arrived in the right place. None of them did.

Fridge Cleanout Cold Noodle Salad
With Salmon & Spicy Peanut Dressing

But as I'm sitting here, in the right place, clearly unmotivated at this juncture to do what it takes to get back into the LBD (albeit plenty motivated to continue to cook, photograph, write, teach, and reasonably pepper that into family life), I don't miss the other kind of motivation one bit. I don't miss the blinding hunger and emptiness that propels you toward a destination that can't possibly be reached on the road you've taken.

Humba (Visayan Style Pork Adobo)

I guess I'm just too happy, fulfilled, satisfied, and content doing exactly what I'm doing now (which includes occasionally writing about somewhat kinda sorta wanting to lose weight but not really doing anything about it) to change it up just yet. 

Kalabasa at Sitaw sa Gata
(Filipino Squash & Green Beans in Coconut Milk)

That doesn't mean I'm going to scrap what I consider to be my generally healthy and balanced way of eating or my return to moderation after the chaos of the holidays and the stress of house hunting. That doesn't mean I'm not going to go running or do some yoga if/when life/time/spirit permit. I'm just deciding not to stress about doing much more than that for the time being where this issue is concerned. I am releasing liability and accountability for this one thing for now so I can free myself to achieve other things that really matter to me FOR NOW.

Atchara Inspired Salad

So while the old me would have chalked this up as a failure, the wiser me has decided to scrap this blog series 5 posts short of what I originally planned so I can refocus the scattered energy I've been wasting on this momentarily untimely pursuit to better uses.

Lofthouse Iced Sugar Cookie - Valentine's Edition ^^

Because sometimes you have to cut the heat to the pot on the back burner so you can focus on making something really delicious out of what's on the front one. :)

shinae

P.S. The pics on this post are some of the fairly yummy and mostly healthy and balanced things I've eaten since the last post. I haven't been that bad...  ;)

Back In Black - Day 124 (Sunday) & Something About How Things Change...

LOL @ me.

Wasn't it just a month ago when I said we were going to sit tight and hold off on the house hunting thing for a while? Well, if the past two years have proven anything, it's that anything can happen in the relative blink of an eye.

And what has happened in that roughly monthlong blink is that, house hunting bug placed in our brains, we were really beginning to feel the squeeze in this 1 bedroom, 1 bath, 625 square foot space with 2 adults, 2 practically teens, 1 baby, and 1 wiener dog on the weekends. 

Sometimes even 1 Little Asian Mama and 1 Medium Asian Papa on the weekends, too.

If there's anything I'll take credit for, it's being a make-do kinda gal. And I think we really have done a good job of squeezing a lot of good living out of this place...

But teen and pre-teen bodies are growing and we literally feel like we're tripping over one another in a way we weren't before they started their respective spurts.

So today finds me and the Man tired of house hunting, relieved that nothing of interest has come up in the past two days so we can stop driving around and wearing ourselves out for a minute, and anxiously awaiting word on an offer we've put in on a bigger space with a bigger kitchen, but smaller yard. 

One that won't require much time and many dollars to make livable. One that won't put us in bedroomy master planned nor Gangster's Paradise urban hell, both of which exist in our fair city.

And we won't know anything until the 21st.

Tom Petty said it best. The waiting is the hardest part.

In the meantime, we've been doing a lot of convenience eating, and something tells me that probably hasn't helped me in my LBD quest one bit. But I am cutting back down on portions and alcohol, reupping my fresh produce intake, and escaping the holidays will certainly help us keep crap we normally wouldn't stock out of the house.

But I'm not ready to try the dress on again. No point in giving myself a sad on top of the anxiety. :P

BREAKFAST

was a bowl of Cinnamon Pecan Special K with milk. And lots of coffee.

LUNCH

was four bo bia made by Little Asian Mama during my parents' visit.

DINNER

was a Vietnamese leftovers mashup of mi xao tom and a bunch of veg.

EXERCISE

was cooking ahead for the week - three separate dishes in an hour and a half - a fridge cleanout veg soup with a little bacon, a Cuban style chicken stew, and roast chicken breast.

Because sometimes you just have to put a positive spin on things. :)

I am so ready to move my teeth want to fall out. (Does anyone else get that sensation when you're anxious?)

Off to tidy up and try to make this space feel not so small in the meantime...

shinae

Back In Black - Day 116 (Saturday) & Something About Fatness & Happiness...

In 2012, I learned, probably for the first time in my adult life, what it means to be

FAT 

and

HAPPY.

I learned what it feels like to be

- content enough in my own skin and with my own life,
- fulfilled enough in my pursuits,
- accepting enough of my flaws, and
- embracing enough of my unique beauty,

that while I knew intellectually that I should endeavor to better maintain my body, I was so happy in my soul that I didn't mind being "fat". And I think that's evident as I look back at the posts in this series to date.

The truth is that there are so many reasons we watch our weight that have nothing to do with being healthy, though that is a most excellent reason. Many of them are good reasons in their own right, if approached with a sense of balance, and they mostly have to do with vanity of some sort.

Well, they do for me anyway.

And I wasted plenty of life, into my 30s actually, drinking the Kool-Aid that vanity of any sort is some kind of crime against intellect and inner beauty. Thank Goddess I discovered that it's much more liberating to acknowledge and accept that some days you really do give a fuck how you look, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be pretty, and that you generally don't lose any capacity for intelligence or human decency on those days, either...

But for the most part, unlike any year of my life before it, 2012 left almost nothing to be desired, and I reveled every day in doing exactly whatever felt good and right in the moment. Even those moments in which I chose to putz around on the couch, share air and space with The Man, and do nothing particularly productive, when I could have gone for a run instead, felt right. As did the moments when I chose to sit at the keyboard and write a post or a recipe instead of practicing yoga. And the moments when I drank that extra glass of wine after dinner when I didn't need the extra calories because I was basking in a warm, fuzzy, red wine buzz...

But all things have their season.

And after a year of all that basking and reveling, as I'm soon approaching 40, it's starting to feel right to give a little more of a fuck about the jiggling of the squish. To choose tight buns over loose pours. To regain a belly that looks closer to a cutting board than a muffin top...

Because in the course of a life, you can cycle through all the permutations of BMI ranges and degrees of happiness.

So while 2012 was deliciously fat and happy, I think I'll cook up some

THIN

and

HAPPY

for 2013.

Do wish my atrophied muscles luck. :)

BREAKFAST

was half a PB&J.

LUNCH

was a long overdue haircut...

...and a most yummydelicious lunch of cha gio, bun bo hue, and soursop smoothie at Hien Vuong in Little Saigon.

DINNER

was a lazy woman's mashup of avocado with salsa verde, a couple of slices of roast turkey breast, a handful of roasted almonds, and a piece of something like Almond Roca but much better whose name I don't recall.

EXERCISE

Have we already established that leisurely strolling around retail establishments is not exercise? Because if we have, then I didn't.

Off to brew more coffee and give some thought to breakfast.

shinae